A bittersweet ONE

The fact that I’ve been kind of dreading this day just reminds me of how different things are for a waiting parent.  We should look forward to our children’s birthdays, showering them with love and hugs, annoying them all day long with the shock and surprise at how fast they are growing, how well we remember them as babies.  Of course this birthday DOES remind me of how fast Asher is growing–in a different home.  I am confident that he is well taken care of, but today of all days that is just not enough to comfort this mama!  Of course the pain is pretty sharp this morning, but we are also busy with his big brother’s birthday celebrations, so fortunately I haven’t had lots of time to wallow in my pity.  We are having a small and purposeful celebration tonight (for Asher), partly for us and partly for the pictures to show him in years to come.  And everytime I think of him today, I’m just saying a prayer that he feels loved and secure, that he is healthy and safe.  (The flooding is still persistent in Thailand–but I’m kind of trying not to dwell on that.) And a common thread through my prayers is for quick and efficient government protocol so we can get to Thailand SOON!
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The first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning was Asher’s birth mother.  I wonder if she is feeling weepy today too.  This date is surely burned into her soul. It must feel like yesterday that she gave birth to him, named him, and made that agonizing hand off when he was 4 days old.  I’m praying for her too.  Our hearts are both aching today, I know.  But my ache is one of longing and hope for the future.  I hope she has a part of her ache that is sweet as well, knowing her choice for his life will bring him into a loving family who waits (sometimes) patiently to hold him and care for him until he is old and gray.
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You should all know that part of what fills me up, part of what makes this wait manageable is knowing how incredibly loved our son already is!  The outpouring of support and love for this little Thai baby none of us has ever met just melts me.  I hope that someday his heart will grasp that vast, unconditional love that was waiting for him across the ocean.  I know that I’m grasping it and feeling it today, and because of that I know I can get through it.
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Happy first birthday, my precious, precious son!