Carson has an announcement.

BE ALARMED! He would like everyone within earshot to know that the WORLD IS OFFICIALLY ENDING. That’s right. We have serious (and loud) weeping and gnashing of teeth here. We have screaming, shouting, flailing of all four limbs, shaking of the head and what is really quite an impressive sharp, jerking movement of the torso. I’m really quite sorry to be the bearer of this depressing news, earthlings.

For years people have predicted this apocalypse, but no one knew how it would take place. Turns out that all it takes for the sky to fall is for me to put cream cheese on the bagel when he wanted it plain. Sorry everyone. My bad.

Although, I can provide some hope for humanity in that Carson had a very similar announcement to every single shopper in Target last week when I refused to purchase an $80 toy. And yet, somehow, miraculously, we’re all still here. Huh. It’s a mystery.