A bittersweet ONE

The fact that I’ve been kind of dreading this day just reminds me of how different things are for a waiting parent.  We should look forward to our children’s birthdays, showering them with love and hugs, annoying them all day long with the shock and surprise at how fast they are growing, how well we remember them as babies.  Of course this birthday DOES remind me of how fast Asher is growing–in a different home.  I am confident that he is well taken care of, but today of all days that is just not enough to comfort this mama!  Of course the pain is pretty sharp this morning, but we are also busy with his big brother’s birthday celebrations, so fortunately I haven’t had lots of time to wallow in my pity.  We are having a small and purposeful celebration tonight (for Asher), partly for us and partly for the pictures to show him in years to come.  And everytime I think of him today, I’m just saying a prayer that he feels loved and secure, that he is healthy and safe.  (The flooding is still persistent in Thailand–but I’m kind of trying not to dwell on that.) And a common thread through my prayers is for quick and efficient government protocol so we can get to Thailand SOON!
The first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning was Asher’s birth mother.  I wonder if she is feeling weepy today too.  This date is surely burned into her soul. It must feel like yesterday that she gave birth to him, named him, and made that agonizing hand off when he was 4 days old.  I’m praying for her too.  Our hearts are both aching today, I know.  But my ache is one of longing and hope for the future.  I hope she has a part of her ache that is sweet as well, knowing her choice for his life will bring him into a loving family who waits (sometimes) patiently to hold him and care for him until he is old and gray.
You should all know that part of what fills me up, part of what makes this wait manageable is knowing how incredibly loved our son already is!  The outpouring of support and love for this little Thai baby none of us has ever met just melts me.  I hope that someday his heart will grasp that vast, unconditional love that was waiting for him across the ocean.  I know that I’m grasping it and feeling it today, and because of that I know I can get through it.
Happy first birthday, my precious, precious son!


  1. Oh, my friend! I love you even more today because of your heart. Even though it is bittersweet, what a great thing to do – celebrating Asher’s birthday as a family. I cannot, hear me – CAN.NOT – wait for next year’s celebration. There are tears this year for sure – on all accounts. Wait.Till.Next.Year. That will be some serious rejoicing! I’m praying for you today. *Hugs*

  2. Oh the tears and the welling heart. Asher is loved! And that is the best gift a child could ever receive for their birthday. What a beautiful memory to give him and a beautiful way to welcome him into your home… already!

    Jen… you’re incredible. And the thoughts of your loved ones are with you and Asher today.

    And like Steph said, next year will be awesome! Love you.

  3. Jen, you had me at the picture of Asher’s 1 year banner hanging up. I was just praying for you, your family, and Asher early this morning. I had no idea today was his birthday! Oh melt my heart! Every Friday you guys are on my list, and I am dedicating that time to pray and fast for your sweet boy. Praying that the gov’t releases him quickly, that his birth mom hears God whisper in her ear that he is safe and His healing love fills her heart, and that your arms get to hold him soon! I’m in love with that little guy already and I can only imagine how much MORE so you guys are.
    Celebrating (and grieving) with you today. We love you Asher!

  4. My heart aches for your aching heart, dear daughter! I’m thinking of Psalm 139. Even though it focuses on God knowing and knitting us together in our mother’s womb, I believe that God is continuing to knit Asher’s early life in Thailand. Talk about a little guy being bathed in prayer! God is watching over him and has His hand on him at this very moment. I pray that the sting will go away soon for you and that God might grant you supernatural patience to wait for that flight to pick up Asher. I love you.

  5. It IS so much harder as a waiting mom! Big hugs to you today. We are going to miss the actual day of our girl’s first birthday in two weeks too, I’m sure it will be a tough day. xo

  6. Wrapping you in prayer in these hard days of waiting. Asher has our heart. We love him so much. There is a party going on in heaven for Asher today! Happy Birthday. Love you beautiful Mama .

  7. I’m sorry you had a rough day!
    I can’t imagine what it is like to have a child turning one all the way across the world. I just know that it’s beautiful they way that you have opened your hearts and your lives to Asher already. This boy is so loved and blessed.
    LOVE you!

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